I'm typing this offline again ... still no internet. (I think it's heading into weeks now ... I started writing this when I was battling to paint last week!).
The other day a good friend of mine wrote to me saying "I loved reading yr blog, btw, ... Man, you’re a mess at times". She's right. I told her so. My reply was, "Yes .. I know I'm a mess at times ... I know I am".
You see, I used to think it was smart to just keep all the things going on in my head and things I was feeling quiet and that people would think less of me if they knew I was such a mess ... it's probably true, but at some point I just stopped caring very much what people think. So ... I apologise if I wear my heart on my sleeve from time to time. If you don't like it ... don't read it. :) I used to keep my world very tidy, make sure no-one thinks badly of me, keep it together, make sure you always look like you have it all under control, but it doesn't take much for one's little house of cards to come tumbling down, does it? The world is cruel; we are sinners; our "baggage" catches up with us, life is just one massive challenge, letdown, victory, disaster, burst of joy, tragedy, celebration and challenge all over again and again and again, isn't it? Nobody escapes unscathed.
So ... where am I going with all of this?
No need to haul out your GPS, because this isn't that oblique (I never really am). My friend's closing thought was that seeing me being a mess at times was "a relief". Why? Because she is a mess too.
We are ALL messed up from time to time, aren't we? (Courtesy of everything mentioned above.) Fortunately for me being a painter means I can turn all my accumulated angst into something productive. Hey, being a messed up artist is kinda expected isn't it? It's almost a prerequisite for a painter! Sort of an occupational hazard. ... and if it helps sell a painting from time to time, well then that's at least one positive spin off! :)
BUT ... being messed up shouldn't define us though ... we can't allow it to ... it's how we respond to it, what we do with it that defines us. (and I'm the first to admit that I hardly ever get that response right ... okay ... mostly never).
Life can be really complicated, and when it does get too much I find it useful to reduce it to absolutes ... it boils down to this ...reminding ones self to trust God (this is ALL about Him anyway), pray, pray, pray, and get up every day and doing what you do, like running a marathon ... just keep moving forward (yes ... running helps keep me sane too). Maybe Nike had it right when they said "Just DO it!" Sometimes that's our only choice.